My dad has found out he has another son and is not coping

I am a guy of 38 and have two younger sisters.

A social worker called my dad a month ago to say he has a 40-year-old son who wants to meet him. My mum is upset as he was born the year they got married.

Dad must have been with the mother shortly before or early in their relationship. Dad wants to meet him and get it over with, but he is not coping at all.

He has a heart condition and I am worried about his health. No-one else in the family knows and Dad says he could not cope with it coming out.

He is obsessed with what his son will think of him and what answer to give if he asks whether he’s told the rest of the family.

He seems more worried about how this other son feels than about how we do.

I feel angry with his long-lost son, though I know it’s not his fault, and angry with the mother for not telling my dad at the time. It is like we are living in a soap-opera.

DEIDRE SAYS: It is a shock all round. At least you have had your dad’s love for nearly four decades, which the other son has missed out on and which your dad probably feels guilty about.

Can you find it in your heart to tell your dad you will welcome getting to know your half-brother? That will relieve some of the tension all round.

And you will probably find it fascinating to meet him, once you can understand that he isn’t trying to disrupt your family but settle some burning questions for himself.

PAC-UK support anyone affected by adoption (pac-uk.org, 020 7284 5879).

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